my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
