i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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