my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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