I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
