Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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