Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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