I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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