He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
