I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
