Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
