Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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