I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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