What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
