Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize