Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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