Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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