im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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