Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
