Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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