guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
