the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
