Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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