my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
