1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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