my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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