those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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