Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
