I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
