Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
