i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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