Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
