There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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