I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
