Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
