Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize