u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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