Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize