does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
