just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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