I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
