I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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