Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
