sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
