Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
