party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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