Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
