my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
