By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We have started to decorate penises.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
