my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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