I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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