I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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