well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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