I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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