she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
