and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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