hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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